Captain Pig - Excerpt

AN EXCERPT FROM

IN WHICH WE LEARN HOW CAPTAIN PIG BECAME FAMOUS
AND WHY NO ONE ON THE SUN KNOWS HOW TO READ

Captain Pig, as I am sure you already know, is the most famous space explorer of our time. But he is also the cleverest and most daring explorer of all time.
But he was not always so famous.

      Once upon a time, you see, he was a young pig in school, a piglet really, just like you -- well, maybe not exactly like you, unless you are round and pink with a squiggly tail -- when Captain Pig was a young pig, just out of the Space Academy, he left on the journey that made him famous: he led the first space mission to the Sun.
      Now, you might think that this would be impossible, because the Sun is very hot and that any space ship or explorer who went near the Sun would get fried.
      This is probably what you learned in school.
      But as we shall see, Captain Pig knew that adults were not always as smart as they say they are.

      Captain Pig -- or Junior Cadet Pig as he was at the time -- had been the cleverest student at the Space Academy.
      He always studied hard (when the teacher was looking), never played video games (when the teacher was looking), always read his textbooks (when the teacher was looking), never stared out of the window during class (when the teacher was looking) and never made excuses about not doing his homework, except when the excuses were very, very clever and the teacher would believe them.
      And that was how Junior Cadet Pig realised something that not even the oldest and wisest teachers at the Space Academy had ever figured out before.

      "The Sun," said Junior Cadet Pig one day, "is only hot during the day. If we want to visit the Sun, we should go at night."
      Cadet Pig's science teacher was amazed! He clapped himself on the forehead and said "Why did none of the teachers at the Space Academy ever think of this? We could have sent a space mission to the Sun years ago!"
      The teachers, who were all adults, started jabbering about how clever Junior Cadet Pig was and how silly the adults were not to have thought of this.
      Junior Cadet Pig just smiled quietly and started preparing for his epic journey to the Sun.

      The space ships in those days were very small, not like the jumbos we fly about the Solar System in today, so Captain Pig (the Space Academy had to make him Captain because only captains are allowed to fly space ships) could only take one other cadet as First Mate.

      This other cadet was Phreddy Phrogue (Captain Pig called him "Freddy Frog"), who came from some other country (Captain Pig could never remember which one), but he was small and green and spoke with an accent, so that Captain Pig had great difficulty in understanding him.
      "Phirst Mait Phreddy Phrogue reporting 4 dootie, Sir!" said Phreddy, as he entered their ship, the Golden Sausage.
      "What's that?" asked Captain Pig.
      Captain Pig couldn't understand a word.
      First Mate Phreddy Phrogue repeated himself, but Captain Pig didn't understand it any better the second time. He asked Phreddy to write it down instead.

First Mate Phreddy Phrogue reporting for duty, Sir!

wrote Phreddy. Phreddy could spell very well.

      "Well, why didn't you say so?" asked Captain Pig.
      "Eye did say sew," replied Phreddy.
      "I give up," said Captain Pig. "Let's just go."
      "Eye, eye, Captain," said Phreddy. "Sicks, phive, phor, three, too, won, ignishon, liphtoph!"

      And so it was that right after sunset on the 31st of June in the year 2197, Captain Pig and First Mate Phreddy Phrogue began their epic journey and arrived at the Sun exactly 23 minutes and 19 seconds later.
      "Whew! That was a long trip!" said Captain Pig after setting the Golden Sausage down on the surface of the Sun. It was very crowded and he was lucky to find a parking space.

      During the day, which is the only time most of us can ever see the Sun, it is a very hot and uncomfortable place. But it's different at night. People go out for ice cream or the movies or just hang about with their friends.
      Sun people also like to look cool - in fact, the only kinds of glasses you can buy on the Sun are sunglasses. Everybody wears them all the time.
      No one ever knew this before, because no one on Earth had ever thought to look at the Sun during the night.
      But Captain Pig and First Mate Phreddy Phrogue couldn't stay long on the Sun. They had left at sunset and had to be back to see their favourite television show, Repulse Bay Watch, which was on at 22:00 hours exactly (which is the way Space Explorers say "10:00pm").

      They decided to get something to eat before they went back -- both Captain Pig and First Mate Phreddy liked eating and the long trip had made them both hungry.
      But all they could find were ice cream shops. There were ice cream cones, ice cream cups, ice cream sandwiches, popsicles and lots and lots of sundaes.
      "It seams the onlie thing they eet on the Sun is eyes kreem," said First Mate Phreddy Phrogue.
      "That's because the Sun is always out," said Captain Pig, who by now was used to Phreddy's accent. "Everyone always eats ice cream when the Sun is out."
      It was true: on the Sun, the Sun is always out, even at night.
      Captain Pig's favourite flavour was Mississippi Mud while Phreddy had two scoops of fly-flavoured frozen yoghurt.

      But it took them a long time to find what they wanted because none of the flavours had labels. In fact, there were no signs at all.
      Not a single word, not even a single letter, could be seen anywhere on the Sun.

      "We can't read," explained the ice cream man. "No one on the Sun has ever learned to read."
      "Why not?" asked Captain Pig. "Don't you go to school here?"
      "We have schools," replied the ice cream man, "but they are never open. You see, every day here is Sunday!"
      Captain Pig nodded. That made sense.
      But it was getting late, so Captain Pig and First Mate Phreddy Phrogue returned to the Golden Sausage.
      They set back off for home where they arrived 23 minutes and 19 seconds later, to a hero's welcome at exactly 21:57 (that's 9:57pm for people who don't fly space ships).

And by 22:00 hours exactly (yes, that's 10:00pm), Captain Pig was already famous and been invited to be a guest star on Repulse Bay Watch, the most popular television show in the Universe.

Captain Pig played a lifeguard.

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